?

Log in

Into The Mindfields [entries|friends|calendar]
totallyberserk

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

get into the groove. [09 Apr 2005|05:43pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

 

i bought an orange pail today, for 97 centsCollapse )

13> read comment

Holler. [05 Apr 2005|01:57pm]
[ mood | content ]

I wanted to be dinuguan but....

Balut
Balut: A fetilized duck egg that is boiled and
seasoned with salt


Which Filipino Food Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

3> read comment

no matter what you do. [30 Mar 2005|09:01pm]
[ mood | content ]

Learning my from nervous breakdown/anxiety attack/minor stroke/brief moment of insanity/violent anger yesterday, I've realized that this ridiculous and painful situation will only prolong itself if I keep maintaining a macro perception of time.  One of the major problems leading to the breakdown, besides the fact that my feelings were attacked, is that I keep looking towards the end and not down at each step I'm taking. To completely rid my life of the lingering feelings, thoughts, and memories of the last couple of months I need to watch my step, focus on how I'm going to get through each day in a sane and mature manner instead of killing myself over how long this entire process is going to take.

I've come to the realisation that these feelings of intense anger, the feeling to inflict pain and suffering- do not result from my inability to get over him, I've been over and done with all aspects of my prior relationship before I even walked out. I need to relinquish the soothing, comfortable emotions that arise from memories that are months old. Memories that I need to re-evaluate as important or even worthwhile.

My relationship was a sham. A facade, it didn't exist in reality, it existed in the sense that what we were doing needed a name. I've been forced to believe that conclusion, that reality. And I do, I believe it.

After 17 years of being emotionally independent of anybody, I lost that independence in the course of a couple of months. And its taking longer than expected to rediscover it.  Whats making it so hard is the false emotions and beliefs that I'm feeling, that there was some sort of validity in a relationship that did not even properly exist. I can be charged and convicted of improper conduct. Those feelings of happiness you get when you're devoted to someone and having someone devoted to you are feelings that I mis-felt. For me, those feelings that I called happiness is a misnaming, those feelings I can't even identify if I tried my hardest because they're wrong. And all I have to go on now are those empty and false emotions. Emotions that despite offer me this incredible warmth, are still, in their very essence, bastards.

How do I erase someone from my life after 9 months of believing there was an actual relationship? 9 months doesn't even sound that long of a time, but those months were stretched, extended. Suffering- the term is used loosely- prolongs time. How do you rid your life of someone you believed you were connected too?.. I can't even bring myself to call it love, it would be disgracing the entire identity of love itself.

I attended a masquerade ball for the last 9 months and now that the party's over, I have no idea how to get out.

"If you want to be happy in life, tie it to goals and not to people and things." Albert Einstein

My only consolation is that I know I will be over this entire mess eventually, very soon. A week or two and it will be over. But just like the last 9months, the next couple of weeks will stretch itself out to a point where it will look endless. And than there's home again, the summer, going home- home: a place I associate the last 9 months with. It'll never end.

4> read comment

[25 Mar 2005|10:49pm]

My cousin Ana and I. ... errr. this picture looks so much better on my phone.

2> read comment

i update too much. [24 Mar 2005|03:32am]

"We, my dear, will end up like Frida Kahlo, paralyzed in some bed in perpetual pain waiting for our deaths to sell our paintings for a million dollars, while some young rich jerk will wear torn jeans, drips paints on the canvas as if he was some kid in preschool and make a fortune by the age of thirty because critics will say he had the courage to regress."

an excerpt from Soledad by Angie Cruz, a graduate from my alma mater, and fellow Domincan at heart. The story is about Dominicans in Washington Heights and the struggle for identity admist secrets and the American dream.

An excellent read. --  -Within the last few months I've read some of the most amazing novels. My favorite authors (at the moment) are Jhumpa Lahiri and James Baldwin. I am in utter fascination of how these people can articulate such poignant messages in these highly elaborate and wonderful novels... ideas and emotions wrapped inside characters so human.. UGH.

5> read comment

mj... you so innocent. [22 Mar 2005|02:49pm]

MJ's accuser is full of shit. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7234709/ They should send his ass to prison so he really learns what its like to get butt fucked. He tried to accuse GEORGE LOPEZ of stealing hundreds of dollars out of this kids wallet after he left it at his house, lets be real guys. This kid and his mother is full of shit. Cancer isn't his only problem.

That boy's been touched. Mentally.

I'm reading Soledad by Angie Cruz, a graduate from my alma mater, and since every other sentence is in spanish- to add some sort of authenticity or effect to the novel- i've been actually thinking of spanish things to say in my head. Which is funny because I don't speak spanish.. So it all comes out to jarble in my head. The extent of my spanish is.. cono, maldito, corazon, and .. ay dios mio. Thats because I'm dominican<3 at heart.

I've also come to the conclusion that I am mentally fucked up in the head. So MJ's accuser and I should have lunch and scam people out of money or something.

Spring Break is being a total dissapointment. Instead of flying to Bermuda or Jamaica, I'm stuck in Westchester- at home during the day without a car, and at night sitting around in my room while my dad bothers the fuck out of me.

Being alone for so long allows me to think. And what I've been thinking is that I hate my fucking brother for crashing and totalling my fucking car. I just.. UGH. Its his fault. And I'm the one suffering, who's stuck at home while my mom&dad are at work and my brother is at school.

9> read comment

thursday. [17 Mar 2005|03:37pm]
thursday. *i just want to go home already/tomorrow can't come soon enough.
comment

Tabloids. [16 Mar 2005|03:52am]
[ mood | crazy ]

 

tabloid maniaCollapse )

15> read comment

certain level of achievement. [14 Mar 2005|11:08pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

I have reached a certain level of boredom only describable through demonstartion.

 

a lesson in boredom.Collapse )

8> read comment

[04 Mar 2005|02:04am]

i get back up and do it again.

drunk and lost at a gay bar. ... i need a nose job.

a picture of my brother and i from when we were litte.

5> read comment

kimora.. pt2 [03 Mar 2005|04:08pm]

There is a japanese CG artist online who does really (perverted/twisted) protrayed of japanese school girls. Very ala "Final Fantasy THE MOVIE".. Despite its masochistic nature, they're actually really, really good.

School Girl Trauma

While looking at them today, I decided to add some stuff. i.e. Kimora Lee Simmon's quote.

2> read comment

vomit stained sneakers. [02 Mar 2005|10:46pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

In many of the pictures that I like, I seem to be wrecked beyond recognition. Something about very unflattering pictures that make me giggle and want to share.

3> read comment

vanity fair = class... [02 Mar 2005|07:09pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

"I don't play that disrespectful ho shit. I have very little respect for those kinds of women. And if I catch you with my man, disrespecting, I will beat your ass." kimora lee simmons.

 

go ahead kimora, i got yo'back.

comment

a country gone to shit. [02 Mar 2005|01:38pm]

As the days pass, they get shorter and shorter. Primarily because this country is going to be shot to shit in a year or two. I'm almost positive. This whole fiasco with the displaying of the ten commandments in front of government buildings shouldn't even be happening. What do Christians fucking want? What do they want? Whats the big deal if it isn't there, you don't pay taxes! Shut the fuck up!

If I see another picture of a christian fest infront of a government building i'm going to bite my asshole. Supreme Court Justice Scalia sees not problem with the displaying of ten commandments infront of government buildings right.. Well, we don't get that many Jewish holidays off now do we? Why aren't the Jews complaining?

 

As a Catholic, I think Christians need to get off their fucking high horse and instead of wasting money protesting or whatever "injustices" they feel are being held against them, they should use the dinero to pay for lawyers to bail their pedo priests out of jail.

This country is shot to shit.

3> read comment

[18 Feb 2005|01:54pm]

haha. does anybody wanna have sex tonight?

comment

[17 Feb 2005|03:06pm]

MEAN BOYS.

7> read comment

my gahhhh. [16 Feb 2005|12:44pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

I am in love with the food network. Despite the fact that all the chef's on the channel are white, I feel an underrepresentation of the array of food being offered.  On one show, I can't recall the name- but it was something like Simple Solutions.. or whatever, it was a lazy housewife's show to cooking food or entertaining without hassle- the host, this incredibily WASPY blonde haired, blue eye'd woman was cooking an ASIAN or more specifically CHINESE meal.  Which, isn't bad- anyone, if trained well enough, can cool meals that span the globe. But this white bitch dressed up in an mandarin collared dress, had chopsticks in her hair and moved around like she was walking on her toes. Let's be real guys, lets be real.

My favorite show to watch is Easy Entertaining with Michael Chiarello.. Primarily because he's so handsome.

Than its Everyday Italian with Giada because she's soo soothing when she cooks, and everything she does is just so picture-esque.

And of course, Rachel Ray with her eight hundred shows on Food Network.. But she is a staple to the Food Network. She's such an iconic kitchen master for the lower middle class.

Mmm.. When I feel like not caring about what I'm eating, and just want to enjoy the decadent wonders of butter and cream on top of butter and cream, I tune in to watch the Barefoot Contessa. Its just like watching your mother whip up a long and ardous meal without it looking so long and ardous. Her smiles and the way her hands dance along the counters through food is just.. so calming.

 

Mmmmmmm.. I love food.network

2> read comment

Simple Life: Season 4 ... [14 Feb 2005|09:41pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

Simple Life: Season 4

Justin and Alan Breakin' It Down.

Before shipping out to do the show, Alan and I decided to do some hardcore shopping! Oh Lord did we sure burn through our packets! And of course, I had to use cash, paper trails can get my mummy and duddy in trouble! Of course, Alan used his plastic! ^.-

We stopped for a photoshoot before shipping out to Idaho! Carbs are yucky! ew! At least we were able to bring our entire wardrobes! tehehe.

This is our cow, MiMi! She was our favorite! And boy does she taste good! Of course, Alan wouldn't know, he doesn't eat! tehehe.

OH BOY! Working on a farm and hanging out with townies is just like going to school at Binghamton University! but to watch more of our CRAZY, heroin +blow filled adventures, stayed tuned to FOX!

4> read comment

Tokyo Nights, Harajuku Scenes.. [07 Feb 2005|07:49pm]

HERE WE GO!

Alan, Will and Me's TOKYO ADVENTURE!!!!!!!!Collapse )

9> read comment

[26 Dec 2004|05:06pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Love by ruby mae
Your name
Your partner
You two areOne
Your meeting was byLuck
They are yourHero
You are theirBaby
Your love willBe unconditional
Quiz created with MemeGen!
2> read comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]