Learning my from nervous breakdown/anxiety attack/minor stroke/brief moment of insanity/violent anger yesterday, I've realized that this ridiculous and painful situation will only prolong itself if I keep maintaining a macro perception of time. One of the major problems leading to the breakdown, besides the fact that my feelings were attacked, is that I keep looking towards the end and not down at each step I'm taking. To completely rid my life of the lingering feelings, thoughts, and memories of the last couple of months I need to watch my step, focus on how I'm going to get through each day in a sane and mature manner instead of killing myself over how long this entire process is going to take.
I've come to the realisation that these feelings of intense anger, the feeling to inflict pain and suffering- do not result from my inability to get over him, I've been over and done with all aspects of my prior relationship before I even walked out. I need to relinquish the soothing, comfortable emotions that arise from memories that are months old. Memories that I need to re-evaluate as important or even worthwhile.
My relationship was a sham. A facade, it didn't exist in reality, it existed in the sense that what we were doing needed a name. I've been forced to believe that conclusion, that reality. And I do, I believe it.
After 17 years of being emotionally independent of anybody, I lost that independence in the course of a couple of months. And its taking longer than expected to rediscover it. Whats making it so hard is the false emotions and beliefs that I'm feeling, that there was some sort of validity in a relationship that did not even properly exist. I can be charged and convicted of improper conduct. Those feelings of happiness you get when you're devoted to someone and having someone devoted to you are feelings that I mis-felt. For me, those feelings that I called happiness is a misnaming, those feelings I can't even identify if I tried my hardest because they're wrong. And all I have to go on now are those empty and false emotions. Emotions that despite offer me this incredible warmth, are still, in their very essence, bastards.
How do I erase someone from my life after 9 months of believing there was an actual relationship? 9 months doesn't even sound that long of a time, but those months were stretched, extended. Suffering- the term is used loosely- prolongs time. How do you rid your life of someone you believed you were connected too?.. I can't even bring myself to call it love, it would be disgracing the entire identity of love itself.
I attended a masquerade ball for the last 9 months and now that the party's over, I have no idea how to get out.
"If you want to be happy in life, tie it to goals and not to people and things." Albert Einstein
My only consolation is that I know I will be over this entire mess eventually, very soon. A week or two and it will be over. But just like the last 9months, the next couple of weeks will stretch itself out to a point where it will look endless. And than there's home again, the summer, going home- home: a place I associate the last 9 months with. It'll never end.